Transcendental Doneness

I have a confession to make: I have spent the majority of my life caring about what other people think (about me, about others, etc.). Like, I really cared all the way, so much. Granted, I really didn’t know what they always thought save for the occasional actual conversation; but, I MADE UP (read: illusions, make believe, false accounts) elaborate stories in my head based on limited words and actions (or in most cases, non-actions). I then took what others thought of me to some next level shit: If someone became angry or disappointed with me, I would lose my center, even when I had no real part in the anger or disappointment. I would apologize and make amends even when the situation did not warrant an apology. I spent a lot of energy telling myself “made up stories” and trying to please everyone. In the end, the make believe stories were self-defeating and I did not please anyone (especially myself).

And, I have another confession: I use to do anything for connection (read: love and friendship). I would wait for acknowledgement, praise, and/or encouragement from people who barely and rarely gave me the time of day save for when they needed something from me. Oh, and how I raced to be the first, the most helpful, and the most conscientious, all at the expense of my own desires, wants, and needs. I used my “helpful” persona in a very passive-aggressive, manipulated way. Granted, it was unconscious on my part but the truth is that sometimes I manipulated others for love and friendship. I willingly gave away all my power. And then, 2016 happened (actually a lot of little things happened between May 2015 to December 2016). During this time period, I kept circling back to people I thought were trustworthy only to realize they did not have my six. I kept expecting people to mirror back friendship and connection as I so willingly thought I was doing. But come to find out, manipulating others for love and friendship is known as conditional love. And conditional love? Well, that is a whole other blog post.

It wasn’t easy at first to unhook my addiction to pleasing and caring about what others thought; but, I slowly stopped listening to others and started listening to my own inner guidance. Not only did I start listening to my own guidance, I started trusting my guidance. I started focusing on what I thought about myself instead of worrying what others thought about me. I started clarifying with questions and asking for support when my made up stories became the basis for my interactions. I stopped listening to excuses and started paying attention to actions. The adage that actions speak louder than words is so poignantly true. And yet all the time as I was making changes, I still wanted to keep pleasing and accommodating; hoping that if just did one extra thing or if I behaved a certain way, they would like me more or want to spend time with me (or whatever I thought I so desperately needed in the moment). Truth be told, I did not feel worthy. And what limited self-respect I had, I continued to allow others free and easy access to my self-esteem. I did it in all areas of my life, professionally and privately.

In December 2016, a series of miracles helped me change from giving away all my power to standing in my power. Everything shifted and ever since then, I have been experiencing with greater clarity what I jokingly call, “transcendental doneness”. I am done worrying about what others think of me. Instead, I am more concerned about what I think of myself. I am the center of my own universe; but not the center of others universe (another simple truth: the earth is not flat). I am no longer willing to “do things” from a place of manipulation and fear. Instead, I choose to stand in my own power even when it is scary or lonely. Either you like me or you don’t. As the popular saying goes, “What you think of me is really none of my business”. Or, as the popular meme goes, “I have given my last f*#k about what you think” and instead, I have embraced my own self-worth.

Do you want to live a life more fully expressed in your authentic glory? Contact me for a private appointment and/or join me at The One Center Austin.

With so much unconditional love, light, and unlimited joy,

Dianne Hamda